Yes. “That” Blog Post
- Jess
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
If you’re reading this, congrats. I guess you are one of the few who gets to know before it goes public. I have edited the hell out of this post. Several rounds were needed to strip a lot of emotion out of it. I think I managed. It's as nice as I'm going to get.
I’ve been vague a lot lately about what’s been going on, though I’m sure anyone reading has likely figured it out or has a few solid guesses as to what I’ve been alluding to. I won’t beat around the bush.
I asked Jack for a divorce after he revealed to me that for the past four years he has been engaging in complex, sophisticated financial infidelity.
It is a very long, messy story that makes me wonder if I’m living out one of those Lifetime straight to cable movies. Jack said he didn’t care what I told people, but I think I’d rather try, at least for now, not to expose the details of what has happened. So while this post is short, please keep in mind there was a significant amount more that I haven’t written here.
Are there other reasons for the divorce? Yes. But I still believe those were solvable. But the financial infidelity, combined with years of caretaker/emotional burnout from undertreated depression, finally broke me.
I know a lot of people don’t know what financial infidelity is, so I’ll give a quick definition of it.
Financial infidelity is when someone minimizes or hides one, some, or all of these things from their spouse:
Credit cards
Hidden spending
Secret bank accounts
Gambling
Crypto
Crypto collateral
Crypto rails
“Fintech” accounts
Refusing to show their Venmo, Skrill, PayPal, Cashapp, or any other money app (many of these also often offer credit cards, debit cards, loans, crypto exchanges, and online casinos/betting)
Stock market/investments
Debt/loans
Moneygram
Predatory lenders (that don't show on credit reports)
Hiding money including bonuses, gambling winnings, or other forms of inflow
Lending money
Investing money
Spending or borrowing retirement funds
Moving or hiding money
Hiding statements
And I’m sure there are others I can’t remember that make the list, just to close out any loopholes I'm sure I'm missing.
I said I wouldn’t go into what exactly is going on, so I won’t name what on the list he engaged in, except to say that there are more than a few, and they all connect together. Stressful doesn't even begin to cover it. To this day, I still do not know how extensive it is because he refuses to show or tell me.
I’ve mentioned before how I largely looked after the family’s finances and bills, and that’s true. But Jack had a small hobby business that he ran for fun. The problem is I was never put on the accounts and therefore was unable to see what he had been doing for the past four years behind my back.
Right before I found out, I thought he was having an affair. The behavior that goes into covering up an affair and financial cheating looks nearly identical and can cause similar trauma (I don’t use that word flippantly).
Did we try counseling? Yes. We tried two different ones. The first one was one of the worst therapists I've met in my life. The second was decent, but clearly in over her head.
Nearly everything I know, I had to piece together or uncover by myself.
I view trust as a rope. I believe in giving my partner all the rope that they want, but what they choose to do with it is up to them. They can either use it to create a safety net or a noose for the relationship. It’s their choice.
So we are getting a divorce.
Despite all that, we are handling it as amicably as possible. We’re both determined to do what’s best for the kids. Just because we’re divorcing doesn’t mean we’re not a family. He is still their dad. Unless things go to hell in a handbasket, the plan is to handle this as peacefully as possible. Despite our relationship being over, I still care about him and I hope he can figure his shit out simply for his own well-being.
I’ve told him and others that I don’t want to do double on everything like birthdays/holidays. The years when I have the kids for things, he will be invited over. If he wants to stay for dinner, he can. Christmas? He can sleep on the couch so he can be there at the bottom of the stairs like he always has. Vacations? He can get his own room and ticket, but he can join. I want what will be healthiest for the kids, and seeing us, in the worst-case scenario, being civil or, in best-case scenario being friendly, is what I’m hoping for. Am I being unrealistic? Maybe. But I've heard of other couples managing to have healthy co-parenting relationship, even if they are at times rare. Considering we've been doing well so far, with only a few not great moments, I'm hopeful.
As for the kids, do they know yet? No. Not yet. We’re waiting a bit. Am I making a mistake posting about it here? Maybe, but the chances of anyone reading it here and then telling my kids are pretty dang low. Low enough I’m not particularly worried about it.
As for the when: I haven’t filed yet. Hopefully, in the next month or two I will, with it finalized in January or soon after. Texas is a community property state (meaning any property or debt acquired during the marriage belongs to both people, even if unknowingly), so for my own safety, I definitely need my lawyer to make sure I am financially separated and there isn't anything else hidden.
I will also be fair and say he is being very generous in how we are dividing things and handling it all. Even in an at-fault divorce, I likely wouldn't have a judge award me as much as I told him I wanted and he agreed to. So I will give him props for that.
I am also determined not to become bitter about it or end up labeling all men as if they are a monolith. There are plenty of good men. I've always believed that and I will continue to do so. However, I can definitely understand and see how divorce can bring out the worst in people, but that doesn't mean that's normally how people are. I'm trying my best not to have that happen. It takes a lot of willpower and energy.
Dating: I’ve requested, and he has agreed, not to date until the divorce is settled. I need a fucking break from the chaos, unpleasant surprises, the emotional processing of everything, certification/job hunting, school restarting for the kids, and birthdays/holidays rapidly approaching. Him having a girlfriend is the last thing I need before this shit is final. With that said, we’ve agreed that “talking” is okay, I guess. Whatever that means. This decision came last week when I got home from Vegas after he revealed he’s “talking” to someone. I will leave it there for now.
I guess we’ll all get to find out in five months if that holds. Please, for the love of whatever God that might exist, can things be chill from here on out? Please?
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