Short Updates & Mini Crashout

No one knows how close I came to posting a full-blown crashout blog post. Instead, I wrote a mini crashout section instead (at the bottom). Is it vague right now? Yes. Debatably, my last shred of common sense/dignity stretched pretty far but hasn’t snapped yet. You’re welcome/I’m sorry? 

I wrote it at the end of last week. It’s very, very raw and angry. Lots of swearing. Lots of angry. Bitchy? It’s probably leaning towards bitchy. It’s probably the closest I’ve come to writing a stream of consciousness style blog post. It’s almost completely unfiltered. I feel like that’s a good enough disclaimer. Warnings have been given.

No. I didn't bother to edit this one (yet). Just wanted to get it up.

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Updates:

Paralegal Program Stuff:

I started the paralegal course and it is a bit intense, but good. Two classes a week and both being three hours long is brutal. One class covers the ‘essential skills’ needed to succeed, while the second class is, so far, covering Tort laws. It’s a lot. But it’s a cool program and it’s already sent out email blasts of businesses/professionals who contacted the admin looking for paralegals. So, that’s promising. 

I wish I’d known more about these types of certification programs before (turns out there are a lot, but some are more legit than others. Research. Definitely do research). I was worried about not having a paralegal degree, but one of the professors explained that a lot of the lawyers out there (and likely other professions), seemed to care more about job applicants having the desired skills than the ‘right’ degree. Last year he said they had a fresh high school graduate in the course, and the kid already had a job as a paralegal before the end of the program. It's also comforting to know that if I ever want to try to pivot in a different direction in the future that there are ways to do it.

So I’m hopeful, especially if I can do a few Udemy courses as well to add those to the skills section of the resume, because right now I do have some things to add to it, but I could use some more applicable additions for it. 

DnD

I bought a ticket to Crits and Castles! It sounds like a lot of fun. It’s a special event hosted at a ‘castle’ near my parents. They open the doors around noon for a scavenger hunt, mix and mingles, and exploring the place (I’ve never been there, but my sister has and she says it’s pretty cool). There are several tables, and I guess I’m going to get to play a villain? Somehow this feels very appropriate. I need to create a level five character, which I feel wholly unprepared for, but whatever. Not sure if I’m supposed to dress up or not, but if I am, I’ll probably recreate or do a spin on the witchy costume I did up in Utah, sparkly purple-black lipstick and all (pic at the end if you make it through the crashout).

Either way, I’m pretty excited for May 9th. Should be a blast.

Now…

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THE CRASHOUT SECTION (written last week, but still valid)

January, February, March, and April of this year can fuck off and so can the rest of the year for that matter. That's how 2026 is going. I want those matches now. Some gasoline, too.

I know in the past month in particular I've pretty much reached a fever pitch. It also has been building for a while and did not come out of nowhere (though maybe I'm finally hitting the downward slope to all of this? One can hope). Surprisingly, no yelling. I'm a little surprised by that one. It's rare for me to yell in general, but all things considered, I'm still a little surprised I didn't pop.

I'm turning 40 in two months and I have the feeling that this year's bday blog theme is going to be less “lessons learned” and more me just crashing out bigger than this right now. Because what the fuck is this shit year?

Maybe the lesson will be I've learned to appreciate the anger because when it burns out I'm left from whatever I know it's stemming from, and lately that usually just ends in me being unbearably sad. Somehow anger feels better than that. That's new. Anger has sometimes felt weirdly productive. The sad makes me just feel helpless. Either way, I fucking hate both. So here is to embracing anger. At least I get to feel warm.

Also, since I'm bitching already, I'm so fucking sick of emotions and feeling in general. I'm sick of TikToks, Instagram, podcasts, and YouTube videos trying to teach me about mental health. I know more about mental health than I ever cared to and you know where that's gotten me? Fucking nowhere except awareness of how fucked up everything can be if I don't sit in a sauna, then sit in the equivalent of frozen snow, walk for fucking twenty minutes because “that's supposed to help keep your cortisol down!”, practice meditation, and whatever supposedly helpful shit thing there is to do to “protect your mental health.” Fuck cortisol and self-care. I'm so sick of everything right now. How about screaming into the void with sheer rage? Does that help activate my damn vagus nerve?

I wrote about anger before and since then I've learned a few other things, but the main one is this: it's the one emotion most misunderstood by others and sometimes myself, although I think lately I'm able to identify why I'm angry faster. Maybe I'll write more about anger when I'm more regulated. But this is not that blog. This is me ranting on my blog because I can and I want to. So I don't fucking care if it's making anyone uncomfortable. 

Are there good things in 2026? Yes. I'm five feet six inches and I weighed 135 lbs. this morning. Was it from hard work and careful dieting? Nope. Turns out, when I'm a little stressed my appetite goes up, but when I'm in crisis mode I pretty much stop eating. But hey. I'm going to looking fucking great in a bikini even if I'm an absolute wreck internally. For example, I cried every day at the gym this week. So fun. I mostly walked on a treadmill. Next week I think I'll have my shit together to go back to the weights. But this week in particular was a blur and sucked.  

Everything hasn't been bad, but the bad that's happened is a shit show. Trust me, you should be happy you don't have a front row seat. 

It hurts. And it sucks and I know fucking nothing any more and fuck, fuck, fuck this past year and and I still have two more months to go. Fuck.

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