Mini Monthly Recap: July/August

Side Note: I took down “Unpopular Relationship Opinions” about a month ago? I did so for two reasons: I decided instead of writing part two that I’d simply add to it, and the other reason being that there were some things that didn’t hold anymore. It’s largely the same post, but with a few more additions, clarifications, or acknowledgments akin to ‘lol, I take that back.’ After I get through the next couple of days, I’m hoping to finish it up and repost.

Continuing the monthly recap thing as well as looking ahead at the rest of August and maybe September. This one is not very clean. It reads disjointed, and it’s not as happy as I wanted it to be, but I also just want to get it up. It’s an update/recap post. It’s fine.

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Not much has changed. However, despite that, I’m also feeling somehow more normal while more emotionally tired at the same time. Still getting divorced. I’m contacting the lawyer tomorrow and then focusing on starting the job hunt. (Edit to add: overall, I’m emotionally doing better? The past 24–48 hours are an exception that I write about a little bit at the end.)

July had some high points. I got to visit Las Vegas with my summer pass. I’ve noticed tickets between Houston and Las Vegas are some of the consistently cheapest to get with the GoWild Pass and are pretty frequent. I made a few mistakes on the trip when it came to last-minute travel, so lessons were learned there. 

I got to see the burros! I freaking love them. They get me all nostalgic about my Grandma and Grandpa Allen when we visited the burros in Arizona, except we were allowed to buy bags of grain and feed them as they roamed around the small town we visited.

The bighorn sheep were really cool to see too. I don’t think I’ve ever been that close to one before, so that was pretty cool. I got to sit for an hour and eat lunch and just enjoy watching them chasing one another around or lay down in the grass. 

Hiking was also perfect. I don’t think the temperature went above 80 degrees and it really was a trail with some beautiful views. 

I had my final last night for my paralegal course. I can’t believe how fast it’s gone. It’s taken up a lot of time, but I’ve learned a lot. Hopefully I’ll find a job quickly. If it doesn’t pay enough originally, I might try to find flex-type work too. I’ve seen a few posts in the Paralegal Facebook group I’m in that were looking for anyone interested in overflow work when things get particularly busy at some firms. There are also a few temp agencies I need to look into.  

But August is already flying by quickly. School has started for the kids. I’ve been looking forward to getting into a better routine again with working out and now that school is back in session, that’s already snapping back into place. Getting to the gym and sticking to a program was a nightmare with summer vacation and my course going on. It happens every summer. At this point, I accept that summertime is my sucky season at the gym. I lose some muscle, but I usually regain it pretty quickly. It’s annoying, but predictable. I’ve slacked off a little with meal prep too, but I’ve been measuring and meal prepping for years now, so with my paralegal class I’ve been kind of on maintenance free-range mode in the kitchen. But I still prefer meal prepping. I eat and manage my macros better that way, but I’m not wildly off base when I have to go into free-ranging it.

I’m also looking forward to having more time in the evenings again. I miss going to the gun range, so I’m hoping to get back out there again soon. It’s been a hot minute. There’s also some other D&D gaming places I want to try playing at. My ADHD has locked in hard on it, and given everything going on, I am clinging to it like the imaginary escape hatch it is. It can be my entire personality for a while. It’s fine. I binge things. It’s fun. I think this is one that is going to stick and be around for a while. Playing with a group of people is hitting multiple needs at once, but once I settle in and make some friends/find a group, I think it will balance out.

So August is focused on school and job hunting, and September… Well, my daughter’s bday is that month. I’d like to look forward to September but right now I’m going to just navigate this month. My GoWild Pass expires at the end of September, so I’d like to use it at least once or twice more before then. I’d like to see my friends in Utah (I have the voucher too if the tickets aren’t as cheap as I’d like). Missy would pick me up or I could Uber to her place and stay with her for a weekend. I could go to Florida, Washington, or Colorado for incredibly cheap tickets too, plus I have family in those states. Or maybe I’ll go play in Vegas again because you can’t beat $16 tickets and a cheap Airbnb. 

Right now, it's a massive transition time in my life, and I’m doing my best to get through it with my sanity intact (even if that means a desperate sprint to the airport). I don’t think it’s necessarily running away from my problems so much as leaning into a coping strategy that’s a mix of pros and cons in doing so. Should I be going on a trip in the middle of a divorce? I weigh it out a lot. Logically and financially, not the best decision. But emotionally it helps, so long as Jack doesn’t take issue with it, and I do all I can to keep the costs down. Sometimes it doesn’t have to be a good or bad decision; sometimes it being a fine one is good enough. So a weekend away before things get really hard, especially if it fills my bucket even a little bit to get me through it, is fine. Because this fall is going to be rough and that’s saying something.

I’ve been drafting this post for a while now (tests and papers kept getting in the way), and my final was last night. Today was another appointment for our poor old cat. She’s been having litter box issues and we can’t figure it out. The vet seems a little stumped too, but after x-rays today and more blood work sent off to Texas A&M, we should have better answers. I really want to avoid putting her down if we can help it. And then tomorrow I’m emailing the lawyer, followed by a weekend of drafting my resume and cover letter so I can hopefully start applying asap. Since Sunday, I’ve felt like I was about to burst into tears due to all those things hitting me all at once. Everything has felt so unbearably heavy. (I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately. But it's true.) Overwhelmed is a nice way to put it.

And then in the past 48 hours while writing this, something happened that made me the angriest I think I have ever been in my entire life. I went from being tired from studying all night but in a good mood, to zero to a hundred in minutes. I think I got two hours of sleep. The good news is I didn’t stay angry. I’m moving on faster. I’m grateful for that. I did end up skipping the gym, though, and trying to rest on the couch after I made sure the kids were on the bus. I am just done. Besides the massive transitions, I’m also just dealing with a lot right now. I don’t have any control over it, and I hate that. It could always be worse. I remind myself of that too.

Oftentimes, it feels like I can’t catch a break. Like on the first day of school I got a ticket because I forgot about the stupid middle school on my way home. Or hearing yet another story of how someone was offered a job, they tried to negotiate better pay or benefits, and the job offer was rescinded. That’s scary to hear about. It’s insanely stressful looking at the numbers and what I need to make to be able to support myself and the kids. Am I going to keep the house? Can I keep the house? Will I be paid enough for that to be possible? I don’t have much doubt that I will eventually, but out of the gate?

I’m doing better at reminding myself that anxiety looks for everything that can go wrong while overlooking positives that could realistically happen. All my scores have been posted for the class. I passed with a high 94%. That doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed to find a well-paying job quickly, but it increases the odds. 

I’m also walking into interviews with a high desire to do well, and I know myself well enough to know that usually means I’m going to put significant effort into whatever job I get. I’m not the grittiest worker. I’m not going to work myself to death for any job, but I do have a high drive to do well when it matters to me, and that part of myself is something I tend to dismiss when I probably should embrace and lean into a little more. And if I have to sell the house…that’s fine. I’ll be okay. I have a support system, and not everyone has that. So I’m grateful for my family and my own ability to figure things out and be as flexible as possible when it comes to my options. I have older siblings and other relatives I’ve watched get divorced, file for bankruptcy, or handle other challenges in life and still come out the other side and be happy again. 

Right now life is hard, grueling, and painful. Numbing it out with social media or running away to go on vacation might help for short escapes, but it doesn't make it go away. It's bullshit and unfortunately the only way out is to just grit my teeth and go fucking through it. That's the reality. There is no other way and I'm not going to pretend that things are magically going to get better. Things get better by knowing when to be patient and knowing when to put in the work. Sometimes both. It takes problem solving and trying different options. And it sucks. But it's not going to suck forever and I can find little ways to make it better in the meantime and lean into them.

And I do have a lot going on that I’m hopeful about and looking forward to. There’s also stuff I absolutely dread, but right now I think the positives outweigh the negatives. I’m doing my best to keep perspective, stay patient, and think everything through as best as I can, even if I’m still sometimes screwing up despite my best efforts. I’m doing my best to stay realistic and consider all options.